You Might Be A Judoka If...

1. you think learning to fall helps you learn to throw people.
2. you see someone taking a bad fall off his bike, and the first word that pops into your head is "ippon!"
3. every time you see a big open space you have to restrain yourself from doing ukemi for no apparent reason.
4. when you see some big guy walking down the street you plan how to throw him on his back and then armlock him.
5. you secretely wish that some untrained, unarmed, and unaccompanied robber would come and attempt to rob you.
6. your girlfriend thinks you're a freak because you have callouses on the back of your fingers from doing judo grips.
7. you instinctively bridge and roll whenever you wake up from a nightmare.
8. you're teaching your kid to ride a bike and start off with ukemi drills!
9. you get into bed with a forward roll.
10. a shirtless attacker becomes your worst nightmare.
11. you choose your dates by how well they look in a Judogi.
12. you spend more time on top of your friends than your girlfriend.
13. you say "you should see this new technique I learned" and all of a sudden you're the only one in the room.
14. you keep having this dream about your mother-in-law reversing your best choke.
15. your dog shakes hands with everyone but you.
16. you can take your child to practice because you're in the same class.

If judo players ruled the world....

• After every tournament the competitors would get a chance to randori with the referees.
• There would be 385 different belt colors, so you could get promoted just for coming to a class.
• Only sports that can be done barefoot would be allowed on TV.
• Brazilian Jiujitsu students would all develop a painful rash on their backs so they would have to fight standing up.
• The victors in any athletic competition would get to body slam the losers.
• Judo would be a professional sport, and you'd get paid per fall.
• Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
• A referee's vocabulary would be limited to "Hajime" and "Ippon".
• Mats would stay clean by themselves.
• To increase training opportunities, bars and nightclubs would be required to have mats.
• Judogis would be acceptable business attire and everyone would have to wear them.
• The old instructors would all be 40 years younger so you could really see how good they are.
• It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
• Breaking up would be a lot easier. One successful choke would do it.
• Your opponents would always weigh less than your little sister.
• The TV show "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Top 10 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Judo Class

10) Your club patch is a bulls-eye target.
9) First technique consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
8) The "gis" are used hospital gowns.
7) The homework is always to watch another Jackie Chan movie.
6) The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges.
5) The club motto is "If you fall down eight times, get up seven".
4) Ranks are issued on scrolls in Japanese.
3) Students take themselves to the mat 2 or 3 times simply trying to tie their belts.
2) Sensei's hands are registered with the local police as a deadly weapon.

1) Did Jigoro Kano ever really say he was going to "open up a can of whoop-ass" on someone?